GfxDiary

venture into the game...
Or maybe a speech from someone else...

Here it is:

My last days of life have ended...This moment is the last...Struggle Is ended by oblivion, erased memories of thyself, all that has left is Sorrow and regret in hearts of those who did not see you going...All is here...the pills, The Drugz, The knife, The Gun, The Rope. Last tought that crosses your crushed mind. The last rays of hope dissapearing in the mists of saddnes and anger, in the maze of hate and delusion. The instinct for survival ends here...The tears slowly glide down yur face leaving the path of hopelessness. The very essence that carries us on in our life slowly disembarks from your body and you stop breathing as the darkest hur you chose alone aproaches. There is no sound you here from outside but inside you rage is making explosions of darkest emotions and you forget about love, you forget about all that was good. Now the fear comes. Lady Death awaits you and you hesitate to approach her. You take one last glimpse on your patethic life and chose...You chose to live another die...I guess Ill die another day...

This is the personal reflection of what is going inside my head...of what is really me...A frightened nobody lost in the world of hope and the world of dispear. There is only one way to avoid it. To take the hand of Lady Death and to walk the path of obilivon wich ends somewhere...At least that is what we all hope..Hope, what a funny word. A word for something that keeps us going. Is not soul what is ment to keeps us going. If we lose our hope does this mean we lose our soul. Than that would mean I lost it and I am Dead in all ways that matter. If that is the purpouse of living whyt is then the purpouse of Death...You lose your soul before your body dies. In that way you are lost. Lost to all that matters and to all that doesnt matter. As life keeps you in the circle of deception when time is unknown as it once goes fast and once goes slow leaving us to it. What is our purpouse. To be a little toy for the invisible forces we dont even know...What could control that wast number of living beings...what could control all that space that is not used...or maybe it is used and we dont know of it. Is there a god? If he is, what he is. An immortal entity with power to control everything in existence. To be supreme he wishes. Does his deeds seem rational in any matter. Is he not good. Is he evil. Does the word good and all good we saw in life has anything to do with reality. Is reality a lie? What is reality? What if what we take as reality is just a dream of someone who wants to wake up but he cannot and when he does we just dissapear?..We just die?. Do we want for that entity to ever wake up?...Do we want for that entity to die? Does anything that i see, feal, hear, touch, talk to, interact with realy exists? If we were in something like the Matrix would not the masters realize that someday we would stand up and free ourselves from that control.? What if when we beat the Matrix in reality just awake in another and that goes on in eternity? What if eternity is just a hoax and we all exist as one in one spot, small, direct negation of endlessnes. what if We art the start and the and of all. Does everything just exist in my head and I am decieved from you. You all could be the masters who control me. You all could be placed here to confuse me, to lose my essence? Have you succeded or is there more I must endure? Is Death my solution? Is there Hope? Is happines only a temporary distraction from the eternal truth that nothing is as it seams? Is this all to know? Did I found out the Design of Life? Did I found out the Design of Death? Did I found the Design of All? Am I the Creator? Did it all come from me? Am I so sickminded I materialize that kind of existence for myself? Is the existence something that is my mind? What if I dont exist and what I tought is just a fantasy of some other being who is as sickminded as I thought I am? What if this is not here? What if there is nothing and there never was or will be nothig? What if we exist for nothing To fill it up to give it something firm to hold on? what if Nothing is so dependent on us that it needs a design so cruel to hold on in existence? And what if Existence is just a river made of nothing and we are so tiny part of it that floats in the deepest depths that we could imagine? I want to know if this river is just a tiny stream or is it something that ends it all? Why I wonder? Why do I exist? Why must I question myself that before I die? Is this the natural mechanisem of self-conservation? What if Death is not yet ment to me? What if I am not to die this day or another or any other given day and I am some entitiy"s research laboratory? How I wish I would stop wondering...
I wish to die but I just cannot...I cannot force myself to go away before I find out the anwsers to all my questions? If all my questions remain unanswered before I die what shall happen than? What shall happen if I die and get all the answers? Than it means I am not ment to know all the anwseres? Why Am I pushed to this limit of choice? Why I live then? I guess Ill never know that...
I guess Ill die another day...

All mistakes Corrected now hunt me no more...Is this my Salvation?

I guess Ill die another day...